I haven’t been writing much for a while. The truth is I have been in a funk. Couldn’t quite put my finger on it. My mind had been busy with vague dark thoughts. …Old worries, new concerns. Self doubts, guilt, and fear. …Almost a feeling of dread. Like something bad was going to happen. Something new. Something did. Was this a premonition? Or a self-fulfilling prophesy?
It has seemed as though a heavy cloud had covered the sun, preventing me from seeing clearly. On one level, I knew that it was unreal, and the ego was creating some drama for its entertainment. There have been some rather difficult experiences this year. But, I’ve been trying to look at the bright side, because I know that there always is a bright side …or at least some value in everything we experience.
I wondered if the Allegra I was taking for allergies was responsible. I’d had a mood change when taking another antihistamine at one time. I didn’t stop taking it because I wanted to breathe. And, I knew that this would pass. It always does.
Saturday night we went to a party. Pete drove. This is the first time we have gone out for something like this since he was hurt. Pete has been driving for a while. But, I haven’t been it the car with him at the wheel. I had been doing the driving close to home when we went out. I was a little scared because his back had been hurting him during the week. And, as I told you, I was having all kinds of worried thoughts.
We went to the party. It was fun. Pete is a good driver, even one handed. At the end of the evening, as I was walking over to say good bye to the grandchildren, I made a misstep. And tumbled down, hurting my good ankle.
Only one person saw me fall. She rushed over to help me up and to a chair. She made an ice pack and got me some water. Her name was Angelica. An angel. If anyone reads this who knows her, please tell her thanks. I appreciate her kindness.
I said no more good byes I was embarrassed and mad at my self for not being more careful. Mike helped me to the car. Pete drove home and got me my old crutches. I felt guilty. I am suppose to be helping him, not the other way around.
Sunday, I realized that it was not a momentary thing. The ankle was very swollen and it hurt like the dickens. I knew I needed to check it out. At Little Company of Mary Hospital, ice was applied, a doctor took a look, and an X-ray was taken. The technician gently took me to task for waiting till the next day to have it looked at. Sometime later, doctor gave me the news. He said nothing was broken, but I had torn some ligaments. He was hurried and I am sure he told me it would be good to put weight on it.
The ankle was wrapped in an ace bandage. I signed some papers and went home. It wasn’t until I was ready to go to sleep that I looked at what was written. The paper said “You have a sprained ankle. You have bruised or torn some ligaments. Keep your ankle elevated and apply ice for periods of 20 minutes through out the next 48 hours.” Another paper talked about a medicine which I had not been given. I was confused but was too sore not to do just that. And Pete started giving the orders.
It seemed better in the morning. So I got up and did some stuff. Not too worried. My ankle rebelled. Later, I called the doctor who knew me best for advice. She said what most people know as common sense. Get off my feet. Keep the ankle elevated. Ice it. Take it easy. OK. She said it could take a few weeks. Yuck.
OK. Accept it. Guilt! Why wasn’t I more careful? Selfish girl. I am suppose to be taking care of Pete! But I think he kind of likes being the one to help.
Late last night I got a call from the hospital. The radiologist reviewed my x-ray again. Apparently, there may be a break after all. It is inconclusive. But it doesn’t need casting. I should go to the doctor in a week to have it checked.
So, I am trying to stay off my feet. I am trying not to be mad at myself. That won’t help. I have been told there are no accidents. And, I worry that I created this to bring the focus back to me.
I feel better now. It is amazing how someone's kindness lifts the spirits. Today a Spiritual Sister called. She asked how I was. We talked for a long time. She reminded me not to assume. All it takes sometimes is an understanding heart. How nice to know that they are there.
"The most painful state of being is remembering the future, especially the one you will never have."
-Soren Kierkegaard
Well, maybe one more thing...
"The way to happiness---keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry, live simply, expect little, and give much."
-Anonymous
That Anonymous had a lot of good things to say.
For some time now, half of the floor space of our garage has been taken up with things that Pete removed from the shed. Pete brought them in on the day he knocked it down and attacked a vine that fought back.
Since Pete will not be able to do anything much about this for a while, I decided to try to clear it myself. I started a couple of weeks ago. Little by little I am making progress.
As I go through the these things, I am surprised by some of what is being found. At some point, Pupsy and Papa Lion found their way into the shed o boxes. Apparently, they have resided in there for the last several years. Hiding out and acquiring a strong moldy smell from the rotting floor. How and when they got there is a mystery.
In order to remove the awful odor from these old friends, I decided to wash them. They were gently placed into my trusty old washer. After adding detergent and additives to remove the smell, I selected the delicate cycle and turned on the machine.
This done, I turned my attention three old chairs. Part of a set of six which once graced our old dining room table. One by one, as the cane broke down, they were put into the shed for later repair.
I took the chairs to the front patio ... to hose them off and determine what could be done to make them usable once again. Once done, I noticed that a lot of water had puddled up in the patio.
It wasn't really very warm and since Mike and the girls would soon be arriving, I decided to sweep the water into the street. I wanted to prevent little feet and little girls from getting soaked, and maybe keep even more grime from entering my already dirty house.
As soon as this task was completed, I noticed that leaves in the gutter were preventing the water from flowing quickly into the drains. So, I took some time to sweep up the leaves. Good.
At that point, I started to smell smoke. Looking around, I couldn't figure out where it was coming from and put it from my mind. I continued this task until completed, making sure the leaves were put into the Green Recycling Trash can which is provided by the city.
Finally finished, I wiped off the broom and dustpan and took them back into the garage. It was then that I realized what was causing the smell. Our garage was filled with SMOKE and the washer was CLUNKING!
I stopped the machine, unplugged it from the wall and worriedly looked to see if there was a fire. No one else was here. This was the day Pete tried driving for the first time after his doctor had given the OK, with a warning not to use his left arm.
There seemed to be no damage other than to the machine. I knew it was probably a goner, but I held out a vain hope that it could be saved. Shortly after this, Mike arrived with the girls. I greeted him with a request to look at the washer. He barely got a hug before he had to get to work.
The girls ran inside. Mike called out strict warnings not to make a mess as he headed into the garage. We removed Pupsy and Papa Lion from the tub. Mike looked at the machine. I went inside to check on the girls who were happily chattering away up in their room.
When I came back down, Pete had come home. With heads close together, the two men were leaning over the machine consulting over the appliance. My washer was declared dead. After a quick online search, we piled into Mike's car and headed off to the store. Once there, Mike showed us the washer that he and Michele had recently bought. About an hour later, we left the store considerably poorer but with assurances that my new appliances would arrive in two days.
The girls and I didn't get to play much that day. Mike didn't get a nap. Pupsy and Papa Lion remained sopping wet in a bucket. They remained there long after the new front loading washer and dryer arrived and was installed.
However, the two animals are now clean. ...With many missing parts and pretty thread bare. Pupsy is held together with a big safety pin. I don't think any form of mending can save them. Even for someone with Michele's skills. I don't think she would even want to attempt it, even though she did seem touched when she saw that I was washing them the last time she was here.
But today, before I decided what to do next, I took several photos of them for posterity. I wasn't sure what would happen next, but I thought I'd at least put the pictures in a photo album for remembrance.
When Mike and the girls arrived today, they were sitting on the kitchen counter. The girls grabbed them and took them upstairs to their room. Later, when they left for home, Pupsy and Papa Lion went with them. I don't know how long Michele will tolerate them in the house, but it is kind of nice to think they are being loved by a new generation.
At least for a while.
By the way, Pete's car is still being parked in the street, but I am making headway.
Today was the first day of Spring.
The Vernal Equinox.
I always thought it fell on the 21st,
but found out that is only on some years.
I may have known that in the past, but if I did,
it must have been one of the facts that fell out along the way.
Did it feel like Spring to you?
It has been beautiful here.
Wonderfalls is Wonderful!
Has anyone else seen it?
I watch way too much TV but this is great
This show is crazy, quirky, unique and just plain fun.
All the characters are interesting.
I hope enough other people watch it so that it’ll stay around.
I guess some might think it’s objectionable.
But if you like Tom Robbins novels, you might like it too.
Last week I caught a promo for this show
and told my Tivo to record it last Friday night on Fox.
Yesterday, I told someone about it.
She is the only other person I know who watches Alias.
And, it is fun to talk with someone about something you both like.
She was intrigued.
When I discovered that the premier episode
was being aired again tonight,
I called to let her know.
She said she would watch it.
I hope she does, so there is someone with whom I can discuss this unusual series.
Pete and I planned to watch it together tonight,
but he was tired and kept falling asleep.
I think if he had been awake he might have enjoyed it,
as it was he who introduced me to the Robbins Books
many years ago.
Somehow this kind of reminds me of his writing.
Has anyone read Skinny Legs and All?
...Loved the can of soup and the dirty sock.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Got to find his books and reread them.
They make me think and they make me laugh.
And laughter is good.
By the way, I saved Wonderfalls on Tivo, and if I can ever figure out how to save it to VCR, I will.
She sits.
Mind dancing in the unreal.
Talking … Talking.
How fast we forget.
How easy it is for us to reenter the dream.
Always having to be reminded.
There is One who is awake.
Listen.
Today I received a package in the mail from Mike.
This evening I opened it.
It contained a CD.
There was no note.
The label reads:
PENN & TELLER
Feng Shui & Bottled Water
Second Hand Smoke & Baby Stuff.
I don’t know what this is.
…Haven’t yet had a chance to listen.
We went out.
Tomorrow I will,
but I’m not sure that listening
will make me any more enlightened.
Is this an example of Punk Rock?
I thought I had that discussion with someone else.
I will have to review old correspondence.
It is a relief to hear that most of my contemporaries
are forgetting things too.
One Spiritual Brother said he believed that this was a blessing.
I’m going to go with that.
Sure better than being worried about it.
I still use my AOL e-mail address which I have kept since Mike first got us a modem and set us up online. I have kept it over the years because it just seems simpler, and is still very user friendly. Also, I can always talk to someone at any time of day if I have a problem.
But, I am getting increasingly annoyed about the news they highlight.
It pops us as soon as you sign on.
When is everyone going to get off Clinton’s back?
I hate the Clinton bashing.
I think there is, and has been,
a Right Wing conspiracy to keep us defocused
on what is really going on.
You can call me a nut if you want to,
but we see it all the time.
A friend wrote me today to let me know
that her pilot son is now in Iraq.
After an active tour of duty,
this fine young man remained in the Marine Reserves.
Because of his many talents and experience,
he was called up earlier this year.
More and more of our young men are being sent into this danger.
And, what are talking about?
Janet Jackson and how much Bill Clinton makes giving speaches.
Come on now people.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE
Pete just noticed my last post.
He said I portrayed him as giving abrupt answers.
I asked if he remembers it differently.
He said “no”, and reassured me that he wasn’t mad.
So, I am sorry if I have described him in words that have made him look like a bad guy.
He's not.
Pete is one of the good guys.
It’s just that he is a guy!
By the way, he continues to heal well. I think at time he overdoes a little and that causes some other problems. But, it is hard to keep a good man down!
Did anyone go outside tonight and just look at the sky?
Even with the street lights, the stars were clear and sparkling.
I didn't see the moon.
I walked out into the street to find it.
It wasn't there.
So I went in and asked my scientific expert.
He said "look east."
I did. It wasn't there.
He said "It hasn't risen yet."
I asked "When will it rise?"
He said "I don't know."
He looked it up.
He said "The moon will rise a little after eight."
At eight i looked. No moon.
I looked at 8:10. No moon.
I looked at 8:30. Same thing.
And then Pete looked out the bathroom window.
He saw the moon.
I started to walk outside.
Pete said "You won't see it though the trees."
I went out anyway.
And, walked to the end of the street.
There I saw the nearly full moon between two houses.
I stayed for a while and looked.
I felt better.
Silly, I guess.
We haven’t been able to see the movie yet, so I am unable to render my own opinion of this film. However, I have been following the news of Mel Gibson’s film The Passion of Christ for many months.
I can understand the desire of an artist to express his deepest faith in his art. And my own interest was sparked by what looked like Gibson’s intense desire in declaring his truth. Before work started on this film, I had never heard any mention of anti-Semitism on the part of this actor. And, I wondered again how anyone could judge the film, sight unseen.
As news built, some concern grew about the affects this film would have on those people whose bigotry lies just below the surface. …Those who in their fundamentalism, judge everything by their narrow view of the world. Those who believe in black and white distinctions of what (or who) is evil and what (or who) is good.
As a child, I felt the sting of Anti-Semitism in my neighborhood. I was called a Christ Killer more than once by so called Christians. Throughout my life, I have heard more subtle innuendos in the speech of otherwise ‘nice’ people. Even unknowingly, good people use language that vilifies Jews.
The climate changed. I don’t hear the same slurs much anymore. …At least not here. But, it is evident that this old hatred is growing around the world. And not just in the Middle East.
At some point in my youth, I began to protect myself from the unwanted comments by proactively revealing my background at the beginning of any friendship. I hoped to ward off any slurs by relying on the desire of others to do the right thing. But sometimes I have heard these things anyway, and I try not to paint these people as evil. At those times, I do my best to speak up. I can no longer pretend not to hear what has been said. Sometimes I do this awkwardly and sometimes in an unloving manner.
I have lived with the fear that what has happened before, could happen again. I grew up with stories of pogroms in Russia, and the Holocaust perpetuated by the Nazis. And, realize that “There, but for the grace of God, go I...”
As a result, I am hypersensitive to bigoted remarks of any kind. And, I know that the ignorance from which they are generated exists within each one of us. This exists within that part of us that acts as the ‘judge’ and within the dark regions of our fear.
I realize that these feelings also exist within me. And, knowing this, I try to be ever vigilant and watchful. But even while doing my best, I have erred.
We humans have been equipped with a mind which enables us to reason. It is a God-given gift. We must be careful how we render this gift. This mind is a tool which can be misused if it’s not ruled by our heart.
I am not talking about emotion or sentimentality, although both are useful. I am talking about that part of us which is filled with the Loving Spirit of the One.
I will let you know what I think of the film. But, I must admit, I am now a somewhat afraid.
There is sadness in the world.
We don't have to add to it.
Be careful.
Everyone should read
The Four Agreements
by Don Miguel Ruiz.
And then read it again.
Anger
"From anger, in its full import, protracted into malevolence, and exerted in revenge, arise, indeed, many of the evils to which the life of man is exposed. By anger operating upon power are produced the subversion of cities, the desolation of countries, the massacre of nations, and all those dreadful astonishing calamities which fill the histories of the world..."
-Samuel Johnson
ARE WE CRAZY?
Yesterday, Californians overwhelmingly voted to balance our budget by taking out loans which will put us close to $30,000,000,000 more in debt. That doesn’t count the additional load the city has taken on to keep our schools in business. Nor, am I mentioning the added billions we will pay in interest.
Is the new fiscal conservancy?
If you think this is a rainy day, just wait!
Hold your breath!
ARE WE SURPRISED?
The Republicans have already begun their smear campaign against Kerry. I noticed this when I googled his name for my March 1st post. These upholders of the moral virtue are already putting the machinery of lies, deception and innuendo into place. And, they will continue to wrap themselves in the flag while doing it. Are you going to buy it? I’m afraid.
Re: The Debt:
Yes, I have corrected it!
Pete informed me that in my first attempt at this post,
I left out one of the zeros in the amount we owed.
I fear that it wont be too long until the real cost is much more.
At some point we all have to take responsibility for our own life.
No one else can make us happy.
It is never really about anyone else.
Abraham Lincoln said it best when he said:
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
I heard this quote from a rather mean sounding radio psychologist many years ago. This woman irritated me tremendously, but I heard the ring of truth those words. Up until that time, I saw myself as a victim, and blamed circumstances and certain people for my basic unhappiness. As the seed of these words started to take root, I started to take more responsibility for my feelings.
The truth was that the blaming was only covering the real problem. Underneath everything else was overwhelming self loathing and self doubt. I thought I needed the approval of others to have any good feelings about myself. But even when this came, the feeling that I was OK was fleeting.
Because every thought word or deed was continually questioned by my negative inner voice, progress toward understanding was thwarted. My ego mind was in charge. I looked outward for what I needed, never realizing that the truth already existed within.
i was told that we must look within ... to see where we have been and where we are. But, in the end, we must see the beauty of our own soul, and begin to give ourselves the love we so desperately crave. No one else can do this for us. It is no one else's responsibility.
While we do the fierce self examination, we must come at the task with a loving heart. We must be kind to ourselves while recognizing our mistakes. We can acknowledge our shortcomings, without beating ourselves up in the process. We can see where we have erred, accept the responsibity for the pain we have caused, where we have hurt and been unkind, without killing our spirit in the process. We can nurture that sad and lonely child that exists within.
We must love. With love comes strength.
With Strength comes the resolve to change.
The change must begin now.
If it will not cause another more pain, we can apologize, but we should expect nothing in return. We cannot do this with any expectation that we will get something back. We should not look for the 'fruit'. We must do this because it is the right thing to do. Then we must move forward.
We will fall many times as we walk this journey of our life. But when we look within, and see the true reality of what is there, we will keep going. Because within each of us exist the one true power. I know the following to be true.
We were all created lovingly out of the Stuff of God.
Everyone. Even you.
.....
I did not come to this understanding on my own.
Someone Dear holds my hand as i travel this path.
THANK YOU!
OK. Here's the news.
1. Pete didn't do any damage when he fell Saturday. The PT is sure about that. If fact she was raving about his progress. And Pete had instructed her to reassure me about that! :-)
2. It's raining here. It's been raining all day.
I didn't see any news that mentioned STORM WATCH, but I may have missed it. I always wonder if the people who script the news here in LA, grew up here. They always seem surprised when it is raining. And, they always send a reporter out to stand in the rain to tell us about it. Thanks, but I looked out the window. The storm drains are working.
3. I cleaned out the frig.
I am sure you were wondering when I'd do that!
4. Mike sent two cute movies of the girls we could watch online. Maybe if you ask him, he will send you the site. Oh, and he did something yesterday so I won't get any more spam in my comment sections. What I want to know is how does this program tell the difference?
5. Tomorrow is the California Primary. I have been preoccupied so i haven't studied the ballot and am still not sure how I will vote. I'm torn between Kerry and Kucinich. I am drawn to Kerry even if Matt doesn't like his hair. And, I think he could beat Bush. Yet, Kucinich’s voice needs to be heard. I want him go on talking. Does this make me a swing voter?
Of course we have the usual spate of propositions. Arnold is campaigning hard to put our grandchildren in debt throughout their lifetime by taking out a whopping loan. We have to do that because we are unwilling to raise any fees or taxes. We might have to do without an extra latte. As I write this I am getting mad again.
WAKE UP PEOPLE. It really is easier to pay a few dollars more now, than billions later!
Well that's my rant and ramblings for the day. Goodnight!
"It's not what you've done, it's what you become."
-Oscar Wilde
Whatever you've done, you are already forgiven.
Whoever you are, you are loved.
Whether you believe it or not!
Don’t punish yourself.
