Since I came to believe that there was a benign loving force in the universe, something changed. Things started to make some sense.
When I began to realize that my "idea" of justice was inherently flawed ... and, that I didn't see the whole picture, new ways of thinking started to emerge.
It came to me that I had only been aware of a minute portion of the whole. Even that glimpse was distorted by my flawed perception ... my clouded vision.
I had made assumptions of what was. And, I had made judgments, without knowing all the facts. I was ignorant.
I had always believed in a strict code of justice. This was right. This was wrong! This was fair and that was not. I had a strict code of law. It included rules of behavior for myself and for others. It even included rules of how the universe should be.
I believed that my logic and reason could lead me to truth. I could not reconcile the thought that a God who was all-loving, all-knowing and all-powerful, could still let "bad" things happen. I could not understand how a loving God could allow some to suffer terrible torment, and others could go about seemingly unscathed.
The only God I could accept was one that was all loving and good. All knowing and all powerful. Eternal. Immortal. And, always present.
I reasoned that if any of these qualities were missing, whatever existed was not God.
It often appeared that if there was a God, he was not looking, or not caring, by allowing terrible injustice to occur on a regular basis. My logic led me to believe that because of this, there could be no God.
When pushed to accept faith by well meaning Christians, my mind was closed. I could not believe in a loving God who would allow anyone to be excluded from His/Her presence, simply because that person could not accept any particular belief. I could not believe that a loving God would allow separation, no matter what sins were committed.
So, I reasoned that there could not be a true God. And decided that if things could be understood, the explanations would come though scientific discovery, by using our reason and logic in every aspect of our lives.
Nevertheless, there was a still small voice inside of me that asked, "Wouldn't it be wonderful!" That small part of me wished for irrefutable evidence that God existed. And, that everything (even the bad), could be explained. I wanted to understand. I guess we all do.
I envied those who had faith. They just seemed surer ... happier ... more settled. Their faith seemed to give them a sense of peace.
I didn't realize that, I too, had faith. That, I held something in reverence. What I venerated was the mind. The ability to reason. I relied on logical thought to prove or disprove any idea.
One day, things changed. I started to examine my preconceptions, and I considered the possibility that some the concepts I held dear were flawed. I began to wonder if there might be more to the tableau before me. And, I considered if my perception of the picture was impaired by false assumptions.
Possibilities emerged. Questions emerged.
What if there is more to the story? What if there were colors I could not see? Could there be no duality? What if all events, all beings blended into a magnificent masterpiece, a beautiful harmony? Could there be no death, no disease, and no illness? What if these things were all illusions? What if there was a God who was present, and part of us? What if we were all part of this Unity?
This change did not come about through logic or reason. It emerged out of pain and mourning. It came out of sadness and loss. It came as a gift brought by my Mother's illness and passing. It came slowly. It came simply.
At some point, I could no longer believe that my Mother had ceased to exist when her body died. Something of her spirit had to have remained, which had no part of my memories and experience. In some inner part of me I felt her presence. I knew she was still there.
I no longer could convince myself that the only thing left was the genetic material that she had passed on, or the memories and emotion that filled my mind and heart. I knew on an inherent level that somehow, somewhere she was Alive.
I was told by some that this was just wishful thinking on my part. The trouble was that I was unwilling to let go, to accept that she was gone. That this kind of belief, like religion, was a crutch, because we were afraid and weak.
I considered those ideas, but I knew beyond doubt that these ideas did not hold the truth.
My mother used to say that "Every problem comes with a gift in its hands." I started to realize the truth of this old saying. And, started to open my mind to possibilities that what happened to my Mother could not be classified as "unfair". That her pain and suffering had some reason, some meaning that my limited mind was unable to comprehend. I started to consider that there was more to the picture than my eyes could see.
A small spark of hope appeared. A tiny bit of faith started to emerge. I began to open to other possibilities. These ideas led me to begin a journey of discovery. The most important work of my life!
Some of the people I love, respect, and hold most dear, do not share my views. Most seem to feel some discomfort when I begin to speak of this vital area of my life. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I don't want to preach. Much that I say is flatly rejected.
I understand. I used to feel the same way. I didn't want to hear. I felt pressured to agree. Knowing this, I try to respect their sensibilities, but it is hard!
I want to SHOUT my Truth. I want to share the GOOD NEWS.
THERE IS A GOD!
God is present and God is good.
There are reasons. There is no separation.
YOU ARE LOVED!
WE ARE ONE!
Posted by Judi at November 6, 2003 3:19 PM | TrackBack